Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Stephen Colbert guesses how House Republicans will try to thwart the Jan. 6 Capitol riot investigation

The brutal heat wave in the Pacific Northwest melted power cables and caused streets to buckle and crack this week. "Luckily for those roads, help may be on the way," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show, "because after weeks of negotiations, senators have emerged with a bipartisan infrastructure bill to shore up our nation's crumbling Joe Manchin votes, and Joe Biden is going on tour to sell the deal." He found it amusing that Biden is also making his case on Yahoo! News.

"There's huge news about the Jan. 6 Capitol riot investigation — we may finally learn what we already all know happened," Colbert said. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is setting up a select committee to investigate the insurrection, releasing a bill Colbert dubbed "H.R. Let's Get the Bastard Who Stole My Podium," a month after Senate Republicans blocked an independent investigation. Yeah, he sighed, "asking Republicans to investigate the Capitol riot is like the plot of my favorite book in middle school, Nancy Drew and the Case of Nancy Drew Murdered Somebody."

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) gets to request five members for the 13-member panel, and "insiders say McCarthy is likely to suggest loyal MAGA-heads to gum up the works of the investigation — and the crème de la crazy are already volunteering for the job," Colbert said. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) might suggest "that the halls of Congress were actually soiled by Jewish poop lasers," he suggested (with sound effects), and Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.) "showed his interest by offering to give the commission a ride home from band practice." 

The Late Show also used the NCAA's new rules about compensating college athletes to make a point about owning a boat.