"Tomorrow, President Biden is giving a major speech on the next phase of his pandemic response," Jimmy Fallon said on Wednesday's Tonight Show. "Americans said they can't wait to hear the speech and then crowded into a bar for tomorrow's NFL kickoff." Yes, "Biden will lay out a six-prong strategy to fight COVID," he said, "and apparently one prong is building a border wall between the U.S. and Florida."
On the 20th anniversary of 9/11, "former President Trump is going to do ringside commentary for a boxing match in Florida," Fallon said. "Even Rudy Giuliani took a break from Cameo to say, 'This is kind of sad.'"
Even as the Delta strain runs rampant, "there's a new variant in town, and it's called Mu — named after the 12th letter of the Greek alphabet and not, as I thought, for the Pokemon Mu," Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show. "Either way, gotta get vaccinated — or you'll catch 'em all." The Delta variant's spread has rattled Americans so much, 75 percent of adults have now gotten at least one jab, he added, "meaning this life-saving vaccine is just slightly more popular than me shaving off my mustache."
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Humans are wrecking the planet so much, "a new report says that animals are shape-shifting in response to the climate crisis," Colbert said. "Same here — these aren't love handles, okay? Before the sea levels rise, I'm growing my own water wings."
The Late Show also teased a macabre shape-shifting squirrel mockumentary.
"I think maybe we should put the 'Free Britney' people in charge of climate change — apparently they're the only ones who can get anything done," Jimmy Kimmel joked on Kimmel Live. On Saturday, the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, "President Bush will visit a memorial to 9/11 in Pennsylvania, President Obama will visit the 9/11 memorial in New York, President Biden plans to visit all three crash sites. Donald Trump will be at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida — this is not a joke — doing live in-person commentary for a boxing match."
"You have to hand it to him, he is the greatest troll of all time," Kimmel marveled. "I mean, who else would come up with this?" Still, "this should be fun," he added. "Donald Trump hasn't been this unqualified to do a job since his last job."
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