"Today is Groundhog Day," Jimmy Fallon said on Wednesday's Tonight Show. "That's right, we spend all year telling people to trust science, then ask a large rodent to predict the weather."
"Weather-predicting rodent Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, which means six more weeks of winter," but fellow groundhog Staten Island Chuck "predicted an early spring," Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show. "So who do we believe, Phil or Chuck? Apparently, neither." He mocked FiveThirtyEight for its "groundbreaking analysis" proving "groundhogs do not make good meteorologists."
Also Wednesday, former Dolphins coach Brian Flores bravely sued the NFL for racial discrimination, Colbert said. "The NFL can't be racist — they spray-painted a tiny 'End Racism' next to the Kansas City Chiefs logo."
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"Speaking of workplace investigations," Colbert said, "CNN president and executive hot dog Jeff Zucker" just resigned after failing "to disclose to the company a romantic relationship with another senior executive at CNN."
CNN was already in the spotlight "in the wake of Andrew Cuomo's harassment scandals and then Chris Cuomo's secret defense of his brother's scandal," which incidentally uncovered Zucker's scandal, Trevor Noah said on The Daily Show. "So Andrew Cuomo was such a creep that he took down himself, his brother Chris, and the president of CNN. He's like Ronan Farrow, but by accident."
Zucker "made CNN what it is today," with more shouting heads and entertainment — and endless hours of Donald Trump, Noah said. "He liked Trump because he knew that Trump was good for ratings, because Jeff Zucker is the one who gave Trump the job for The Apprentice, and The Apprentice is the only reason that Trump went on to become the president!"
By the way, "what the hell is Groundhog Day?" Noah asked. "People pull a rodent out of the ground and then ask the animal to predict the weather? This is so unfair, because if Africans were doing sh-t like this...."
"They could just flip a coin — but coins aren't known carriers of rabies and hepatitis, so it's more fun to go with a groundhog," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. Meanwhile, the Washington Football Team just unveiled their "perfectly good" new name, the Commanders, Kimmel said. "Interestingly, the franchise now shares a name with President Biden's dog, who's also named Commander. Good thing they didn't name it after Trump's dog — the Washington Pences, it doesn't have the same ring to it."
The Late Show wrapped up all the NFL racism stories in a neat package.
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