Speed Reads

Last night on Late Night

Late show hosts solve the Ukraine-Poland MiG-29 conundrum, joke about select brands fleeing Russia

"As the war in Ukraine continues, a lot more American companies are distancing themselves from Russia — and I mean a lot more," Jimmy Fallon said on Wednesday's Tonight Show. Starbucks, for instance, "just closed all 130 of their stores over there — and that was just on one street." Papa John's is "halting all Russian business operations — Russians were like, 'Finally, some good news!'" — and even Philip Morris joined the boycott, he said. "You know you messed up when even tobacco companies are like, 'We can't be associated with you.'"

"Yesterday, McDonald's announced they were temporarily closing all of their locations in Russia," Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show. "And with the Golden Arches closing down, Russians are gonna have to settle for their local chain, McDostoevsky's, home to their kids meal, the Box of Sadness." Seriously, "it looks like all major food brands are rushin' for the exits," he said. "Yesterday, Coca-Cola and Pepsi announced that they will suspend business in Russia. Your move, Shasta!"

Poland and the U.S. are in a standoff over who would transfer donated MiG-29 fighter jets to Ukraine, risking Russian retaliation, Colbert said. "Of course, there's a simple solution: Before you turn them over, take the license plates off the fighter jets and file off the VIN."

"I don't see why this is so complicated," Trevor Noah agreed on The Daily Show. "Treat these jets like an old couch that you don't want anymore. You just leave it on the sidewalk, and then if Ukraine just happens to walk by and find a jet, I mean, what's Poland got to with it?" But seriously, "even if Poland finds some sneaky way to get these planes to Ukraine, isn't Russia going to know where the planes came from?" he pointed out. "You told us on the news!"

There are misguided "idiots taking their anger out on Russian restaurants in New York," but the exit of "McDonald's, Starbucks, and now Coca-Cola" from Russia's economy makes sense, Noah said. At the same time, "because Russian people only get Russian news, they probably have no idea why all these companies are closing." He said the pullout of U.S. dating apps will hit especially hard, but "luckily for all the Russians looking to meet horny singles in their area, there's another app that's coming out" from the Russian government.

The Late Show hijacked a famous ad jingle to imagine the Kremlin replacing Coke with carbonated borscht.