Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Late night hosts cheer Russia's sunk battleship, jeer the suggestion Hitler is an inspiring role model

The Ukrainian military has claimed credit for sinking Russia's Black Sea flagship, the missile cruiser Moskva, with a pair of anti-ship Neptune missiles, Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. "I'm surprised they're called Neptune missiles, because Russia, Ukraine's kicking Uranus." Russia at first "downplayed the damage to the vessel," but eventually state media confirmed that it had sunk, he noted. "Of course, since it's Russian state media, they had to spin it as a positive," and Colbert suggested a cover story involving SpongeBob SquarePants.

A week ago, Elon Musk became Twitter's largest individual shareholder after buying $2.89 billion worth of the company. "Okay, did no one tell him you can read the tweets for free?" Colbert joked. "But that stock purchase wasn't enough for the Musk man, because last night Musk offered to buy Twitter for $43 billion in cash." Musk says "his goal is to make Twitter 'the platform for free speech around the globe,'" he noted. "Hey you ding-a-ling, Twitter's already a international platform for free speech. You know how I know that? Because no one at Twitter can stop me from tweeting 'Suck it, Elon Musk' in every language."

Yes, "Elon Musk is attempting a hostile takeover of Twitter," but "because Elon Musk is Elon Musk, he didn't just make a normal offer — no, he offered to pay $54.20  per share," Trevor Noah said on The Daily Show. "And that's how you know that you're too rich: When you're spending an extra few million dollars just to slip a weed joke in to your takeover bid."

"In Tennessee, yesterday, the state Senate passed a bill that would make it a crime to sleep under bridges," and while that's a pretty typical (if not super helpful) response to homelessness in the U.S., people are talking about this bill "because of this really inspirational story that one Republican told during the debate," Noah deadpanned. Homeless people can be as successful as Hitler is a "very interesting angle to take." Also, "who even knew that Hitler was homeless?" he added. "I don't know about you, but it creeps me out when people know too much about Hitler's life."

"Wow, you really Hitler'ed that one out of the park," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. But after looking it up, "it's actually true: Hitler was homeless for a while. He lived on the street and ate at soup kitchens — he was the original soup Nazi."