Within moments of arriving at the Almyra hotel in Paphos, I was swept off for lunch at the hotel’s Notios restaurant. This proved to be the start of a welcome trend of being presented glorious food and drink with remarkable regularity over the course of my visit.
The restaurant offers Japanese-Mediterranean fusion, served al fresco. We started with baby mozzarella salad and deep fried calamari with sweet chilli sauce, followed by crispy sesame sea-bass and corn-fed chicken with lemongrass jasmine rice, green chilli sauce, and plenty of grilled vegetables.
Passion fruit panna cotta finished off the first meal, and nearly took me with it.
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After lunch, I was taken to my room - one of Almyra’s signature seafront Kyma Suites. It offered a cool sanctuary from the heat, still hovering around 30 degrees in late September.
The bed was enormous; big enough that four or five people could lie side by side without having to get to know each other.
And the suite was cleaned, tidied and turned-down to the point of glorious absurdity. In fact, I became convinced it was self-cleaning when, having taken off my swimming shorts and gone to open the garden doors, I went back into the bathroom and found them hanging over a newly erected washing line, gently dripping into the bath tub.
What to eat
I worked my way around four restaurants between the Almyra and the neighbouring Annabelle hotel, and still only managed to see half of the places on offer.
The first lunch at Notios was followed by dinner at Ouzeri, serving up Cypriot specialities in a seaside taverna setting.
The following two evenings, we went next door to the Annabelle hotel for dinner. Run by the same family and part of the same group as the Almyra, you can eat and drink to your heart’s content and stick the bill on your Almyra room number - that’s something for future-you to deal with.
A night at Amarosa, Anabelle’s signature restaurant, saw us perched next to the illuminated swimming pool, enjoying seasonal produce and seemingly endless courses. Sea-bass tartare with lime caviar kicked off a culinary marathon that included cured Wagyu beef, caramelised sablefish, seared scallops, slow-cooked pork belly, braised beef cheek ravioli, and finished off with a chocolate, raspberry and vanilla mascarpone tart. Luckily, the gentle pace at which the food arrived meant I was always eagerly awaiting the next course - and accompanying wine.
The final night of our stay was spent at the Mediterraneo, the Annabelle’s own version of a taverna, with an emphasis on unique and homemade produce. Endless courses were to be expected by now, so it wasn’t until I’d enjoyed everything from baby squid, charcoal grilled octopus and koupes - savoury donut-like Cypriot street food balls - that I started to wonder if the food would ever stop coming.
Fortunately, only three or four desserts remained, including creme brûlée and walnut cake soaked in cinnamon syrup.
What to drink
The evening ended with cocktails on the rooftop bar, looking out over the hotel’s beautifully manicured exterior and listening to soulful musicians seduce the room with an acoustic repertoire of local and international tunes.
I arrived back from the night at the Annabelle at around 1am, and sensibly moved my breakfast-in-bed order for the next morning from 9:00 to 9:30.
Health and fitness
The hotel actively encourages health and fitness - guests can follow the Almyra account on the Strava fitness app to find running and cycling routes starting from the hotel steps, and those who complete their exercise are treated to rewards.
A quick 5k run or 13k cycle earns you a signature cocktail (or a healthy smoothie, but - come on). A 10k jog or 29k cycle unlocks a foot massage at the Almyra Spa, while a 15k run or 38k cycle gets you dinner for two at the hotel’s Notios restaurant.
If all of that sounds like too much hard work, fear not - most people could hit their daily step count in just a few laps of the generously sized suites.
The spa
Having done the 15 minutes in the gym with which I justified a week’s worth of near constant eating and drinking, I headed into the spa’s outdoor pool - one of four on site at the Almyra.
As I floated along, clutching an espresso martini and watching the sky turn various shades of pink and purple, I thought I couldn’t possibly be more relaxed.
But just in case, the next day I returned for a massage.
Safe to say, it was thoroughly professional and expertly administered, and everybody pretended it was completely normal and fine that I was wearing a tiny black paper thong.
As I left - for some reason opting to wear just my swimming trunks and about six litres of massage oil - I bumped into a gaggle of influencers arriving for a private party. I decided I would give influencing a go myself, but the picture my friend took made me look far less of a model than I’d hoped, and far more like I was a half-cut otter.
What to do
The Almyra offers the pinnacle of relaxation, but if you’re one of those awful people who insist on ‘doing things’ on your holidays, then you’ll be well catered for here.
One highlight was a fishing trip with the restaurants’ suppliers, departing from Saint George Port. I sprung aboard the boat and immediately held out a friendly hand to the Egyptian fisherman helping sort the morning’s catch. I seized his reluctantly offered and absolutely fish-corpse-covered hand with real enthusiasm.
Setting sail, we were taken to see the ghost of EDRO III, a wrecked cargo ship resting off the rocks near the famous Sea Caves northwest of Paphos.
The next day we went off-site again, this time visiting the Katsouras factory producing soutzoukos, traditional Cypriot sweets consisting of a long pod of solidified grape juice surrounding a row of almonds. Handed one by the factory owner, I chewed away happily, giving a double thumbs up and nodding eagerly. The moment he turned away, I spat the remains into a paper towel and vowed that, whichever direction my life went in from that moment, never again would I eat these Satan’s sausages.
The rest of the tour was an improvement, however, accompanied by the smell of the red wine thundering out of huge vats, and grapes drying in the September heat.
If the small factory did wine well, the family-run Vouni Panayia Winery did it even better. Run by Andreas Kyriakides and his collection of annoyingly handsome sons, our hosts offered a thorough tour of the charming winery, followed by a delicious family-cooked lunch with spectacular views of the Cypriot hills.
Back at the hotel and inspired by the conveyer-belt of delicious food, I took part in a cookery class, making stuffed wine leaves - ‘koupepia’ - and ‘pastitsio’ which as far as I could tell was Greek lasagne, but was presented as an incredibly original cultural delicacy. In fairness, it was delicious, even with my oafish cookery skills.
And Almyra also offers something you might not be expecting: a miniature safari. Trained, friendly and well-kept cats can be spotted wandering around the hotel grounds at leisure.
Lounging in the sun, being fed endless amounts of quality food, and occasionally getting a luxurious stroke was good enough for the Cypriot cats - and it was more than good enough for me.
Rates at Almyra start from €216 (currently approx £192) based on two sharing an Inland View Room on a B&B basis.Additional activities and meals including winery tour, Katsouras visit and fishing trip from £206 per person.www.almyra.com
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