Good week for:
The God squad, after the Vatican purchased a controlling interest in Italy’s AC Ancona soccer club and announced that the team and its fans would henceforth eschew taunting the opposition, cursing, and bribing officials. The team will soon receive a pep talk from Pope Benedict XVI.
Barstool philosophers, after New Zealand scientists confirmed that moderate alcohol consumption does indeed make you smarter. To experience “heightened cognition,” they recommend one to three drinks daily.
Conspiracy theorists, after an anti-immigrant group charged that the hologram on the new North Carolina driver’s license is the work of a globalist cabal. The license’s shimmering depiction of North America as a single entity, says William Gheen of Americans for Legal Immigration, is clear evidence of “a plan in the works to forcibly integrate the economies of this continent.”
Bad week for:
Myths, after The Washington Post debunked the claim by Democratic presidential candidates that there are more young black men in jail than in college. As of the 2005 census, there were actually 530,000 black males ages 18-24 in college, and 193,000 in jail.
Australians, who are being urged to combat a swarming infestation of moths by eating them. The “Munch a Moth” campaign is the brainchild of chef Jean-Paul Bruneteau, who says that when roasted, the insects have a “lovely popcorn flavor, like buttered hazelnut.”
Rushing to judgment, after a Florida woman was jailed for 50 days when police found a vial of a yellow substance in her purse. Cynthia Hunter, 38, insisted the vial contained dried cat urine purchased for her son’s science experiment, but cops didn’t buy it. A full lab test this week revealed that the vial contained … dried cat urine.
