'Are We Dating the Same Guy?': do Facebook groups harm or help?

If you're a single woman who is dating, you probably know all about the "Are We Dating the Same Guy?" groups on Facebook. 

The groups began in New York in 2022 to provide a private platform for women to share information about men and warn each other about deceit, infidelity and abuse, said Alexandra Arko on the legal news site JD Supra. 

But what began as a city-specific safety collective has rapidly expanded. Now there are more than 200 group branches across the US and offshoots around the world, including one in London that has 90,000 members. Women share men's profiles from dating apps and ask for information, while others respond with personal anecdotes, screenshots of interactions or public information like criminal records. 

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The Los Angeles branch (about 52,000 members) has now become embroiled in a $2.6 million lawsuit. One man, Stewart Lucas Murrey, is suing a woman who claimed that (after matching on a dating app) the pair had had a phone conversation in 2022  – during which Murrey was "rude", said The Times. Murrey is also suing more than 50 other members who responded with their own claims about him, alleging they "ruined his love life, damaged his reputation and cost him millions in missed job opportunities". The lawsuit also accuses the women of discrimination, because Murrey was unable to join the women-only group and defend himself. 

'The internet is forever'

This is not the first time a man has sued posters in a branch of AWDTSG, said Arko. A "private" Facebook group is not private in the eyes of the law, and the First Amendment right to free speech in the US is "not absolute". Men "often have legal claims against the posters" for defamation, harassment or invasion of privacy. 

Volunteer moderators have strict rules – members cannot post addresses or identifying information beyond a first name – but this offers members "a false sense of security". Anonymity is also a delusion, as courts "frequently" order social media platforms like Meta to hand over a user's identity. Deleting a post does not prevent the subject from suing, either. After all, "the internet is forever".

The tone of these groups is often "petty", said dating coach Sera Bozza in Body+Soul, with men "ridiculed for appearances". But even "lurkers" who don't post should tread carefully, she wrote, after joining a Sydney-based 30,000-member group. 

There is "a more profound consequence" than legal or bullying issues. Being "bombarded with stories of dating disasters", amplified by the "drama-loving algorithm", can increase cynicism and breed mistrust. It may persuade users that "all men are unfaithful" – seldom true and hardly empowering. 

'Women talking to each other is not the problem'

"The more I looked at the group, the more I noticed myself feeling less and less inclined to even try to meet someone," said Kate Solomon in The Independent. 

But the fact is, "dating apps come with a good deal of risk". These groups have helped many women uncover cat-fishing, conmen and "serial ghosters".

Add that to the reality that almost a third of women aged 15-49 worldwide will be sexually or physically abused – and that's to say nothing of emotional abuse, far harder to quantify – and it's "no wonder we want to sense-check every little detail when we connect with a stranger". Ultimately, "women talking to each other is not the problem: the culture that makes it easy to behave badly is".