Younger generations are becoming more proactive in protecting their peace by estranging themselves from family members whom they consider to be toxic. Viral social media videos and recent op-eds point to the pervasiveness of the trend, as many young people choose to share their path of separation from relatives, a process known as going no contact.
Family estrangement, where "family members become strangers to one another like intimacy reversed," is still considered "somewhat taboo," said The New Yorker. But in recent years, "advocates for the estranged have begun a concerted effort to normalize it." They believe eliminating the stigma would allow "more people to get out of unhealthy family relationships without shame." While there is "relatively little data on the subject," some psychologists point to "anecdotal evidence that an increasing number of young people are cutting out their parents." Other experts think we are "simply becoming more transparent about it."
Since the concept initially went viral, going no contact has been described as both a "trend of ungrateful adult children being cruel to aging parents" or a "younger generation setting boundaries with parents unwilling to treat their children with respect," said CNN. But the truth is "more nuanced." The decision to go no contact is "often difficult," but there can be "growth that comes out of it."
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Nearly two in five Americans (38%) have gone "no contact" with a friend or family member in the past year, according to a survey of 2,000 adults by Talker Research for the therapy platform Talkspace. These results suggest that "avoiding relationship challenges is becoming more common," said Nikole Benders-Hadi, the chief medical officer at Talkspace. Younger people were more likely than older generations to cut someone off. The survey found that 60% of Gen Z respondents had gone "no contact," compared to 50% of millennials, 38% of Gen X and 20% of baby boomers.
A few years ago, discussion about the topic "just exploded," said Yasmin Kerkez, the co-founder of Family Support Resources, a group for helping people dealing with estrangement and other family issues, to The New Yorker. Multiple organizations have popped up to raise awareness and provide resources for people who have gone "no contact" or "low contact" with family members. Society promotes the message that it is "good for people to have a family at all costs," when it could be healthier for people to "have a life beyond their family relationships and find a new sense of family with friends or peer groups," Becca Bland, the founder of nonprofit estrangement group Stand Alone, said to the outlet.
Why is estrangement on the rise?
Part of the reason estrangement has become more common is the "changing notions of what constitutes harmful, abusive, traumatizing or neglectful behavior," said Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist and the author of "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict," in his book. Coleman cited research that showed how the definition of trauma has expanded in the past three decades to include experiences once considered harmless. "The bar for qualifying as a trauma today is much lower," he said.
Many people have trouble ultimately making this decision, because most cultures look down upon the choice to "just cut ties with your family," said Wondermind, a mental fitness startup. But there are times when doing this is "necessary to protect your peace." The concept comes down to a "person saying, 'This relationship has become so unmanageable for me, and staying in contact is no longer an option,'" psychotherapist Whitney Goodman said to the outlet.
As for why people are estranged, an obvious culprit might seem to be political differences — but in reality, few people who've gone "no contact" actually cite this as their reason. Among those who are estranged from a relative, the main reason given is something the relative said or did, according to a 2024 Harris Poll. Only one in five people attributed the split directly to political differences. That does not mean that reconciliation is entirely off the table, either: Of the group estranged due to politics, 39% said they at least somewhat agree that family members should do everything possible to reconnect.
Ultimately, there are several main reasons why someone should make the choice to separate themselves, said Wondermind. Almost all experts agree that "going no contact with someone who is consistently causing harm — whether it's verbal abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation or other cruel treatment — might be your best option to stay safe."
If reunification is the goal, Coleman recommends communicating expectations and a timeline to the other party. Estranged adult children should "let their parents know the changes that they need or want them to make" and that they will "check back in with them in six months or some period of time," he said to Very Well Mind. Family sociologist Karl Pillemer, the author of "Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them," suggests that you find a non-invasive way to communicate that you are open to reconciling. "Avoid anything that looks like stalking, but demonstrate your openness," he said to Vox. Communicating through a card, letter or a neutral third party could help set the stage for an eventual reconnection.
