'No contact': Family estrangement is on the rise for young people choosing peace

These days, more young people are being transparent about choosing to estrange themselves from family members they consider toxic. In viral videos posted to social media, they break down why they chose this path to separation, a process known among the estranged as going "no contact."

What does it mean to go 'no contact'?

Family estrangement, where "family members become strangers to one another like intimacy reversed," is still considered "somewhat taboo," said The New Yorker. But in recent years, "advocates for the estranged have begun a concerted effort to normalize it." They believe eliminating the stigma would allow "more people to get out of unhealthy family relationships without shame." While there is "relatively little data on the subject," some psychologists point to "anecdotal evidence that an increasing number of young people are cutting out their parents." By contrast, other experts think we are "simply becoming more transparent about it."

Interest in family estrangement is "still in its infancy," said The New Yorker. "The cliché 'hiding in plain sight' is really appropriate here," family sociologist Karl Pillemer, who teaches at Cornell, said to the outlet. In a survey he conducted in 2019, Pillemer found 27% of Americans were estranged from a relative. Another study found that on average, people first became estranged from family members when in their 20s.

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Recently, discussion about the topic has "just exploded," said Yasmin Kerkez, the co-founder of Family Support Resources, a group for helping people dealing with estrangement and other family issues, to The New Yorker. Several new organizations have popped up to raise awareness and provide resources for people who have gone "no contact" or "low contact" with family members. Society promotes the message that it is "good for people to have a family at all costs," when it could be healthier for people to "have a life beyond their family relationships and find a new sense of family with friends or peer groups," Becca Bland, the founder of nonprofit estrangement group Stand Alone, said to the outlet.

What is driving the rise in estrangement?

Part of the reason estrangement has become more common is the "changing notions of what constitutes harmful, abusive, traumatizing or neglectful behavior," said Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist and the author of "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict," in his book. Coleman cited research that showed how the definition of trauma has expanded in the past three decades to include experiences once considered harmless. "The bar for qualifying as a trauma today is much lower," he said.

Some critics portray no-contact family breakups as a "scourge inflicted by hyperindividualistic, narcissistic millennials" who "reject filial duty, refuse to reconcile, fail to forgive, and take the easy way out of hard conversations," Emi Nietfeld said at Slate. In 2021, The New York Times' David Brooks said the rising trend among young people was "evidence of the breakdown of society" and proof of the "pervasive psychological decline" that's "ripping families apart." But these "sensationalist critiques ignore the perspective of the millions of people like me, who are very happily distant," Nietfeld said.

As for why people are estranged, only a few attribute it to political differences. Among those who are estranged from a relative, the main reason given is something the relative said or did, according to a Harris Poll released shortly after last year's election. Only one in five people attribute the split directly to political differences. That does not mean that reconciliation is entirely off the table, either: Of the group estranged due to politics, 39% said they at least somewhat agree that family members should do everything possible to reconnect.

If reunification is the goal, Coleman recommends communicating expectations and a timeline to the other party. Estranged adult children should "let their parents know the changes that they need or want them to make" and that they will "check back in with them in six months or some period of time," he said to Very Well Mind. Pillemer, who is also the author of "Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them," suggests that you find a non-invasive way to communicate that you are open to reconciling. "Avoid anything that looks like stalking, but demonstrate your openness," he said to Vox. Communicating through a card, letter or a neutral third party could help set the pace for an eventual reconnection.