Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Late night hosts joke about Trump's secret COVID test, CNN's Cuomo suspension, Dr. Oz's Senate run

According to Mark Meadows, former President Donald Trump "tested positive for COVID a few days before his first debate with Joe Biden," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. Three days afterward he was hospitalized with COVID, "but who could have known that he might have been positive at the debate that Tuesday? Let's ask my good friend, me from last year." He showed the goods.

Trump treated a second, negative test result as license to act like nothing happened, Colbert said, but "Meadows took a totally different view and 'instructed everyone in the president's immediate circle to treat him as if he was positive.' So no touching him, no getting close to him, avoid him unless absolutely necessary — a strategy the CDC calls The Melania."

"Meadows wrote that when he informed Trump he tested positive, Trump replied, 'Oh, sh-t, you've gotta be f---ing kidding me' — which is what most of us said when he was elected president," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "Sadly, testing positive for COVID was the only positive thing he did in four years a president."

Meanwhile, "despite living in New Jersey for the past two decades, Dr. Oz is running as a Republican in Pennsylvania," Kimmel said. "But he promises to be the best New Jersey senator Pennsylvania has ever had."

The Tonight Show's Jimmy Fallon tested some Senate campaign slogans for Dr. OzThe hands-down winner? "I Know Oprah."

"CNN has suspended Chris Cuomo indefinitely for his role in advising his brother, Andrew Cuomo, during his recent scandal," Fallon added. "Yep, Chris Cuomo knew something was up when CNN added a suspension countdown clock."

"The big problem is that Chris used his influence as a CNN journalist to help dig up info on Andrew's accusers, and people, that's not what CNN is about," Trevor Noah said on The Daily Show. "CNN is about sitting 12 people together at a desk and having them yell at each other about whether Adele's Las Vegas residency is going to hurt Biden's poll numbers or not."

Trump ignoring his positive COVID test "is very relatable — I mean, that's why you second opinions," Noah said. But it was "especially irresponsible" that he then "went on stage and screamed at 98-year-old Joe Biden for two hours. Now, I'm not saying that Trump was trying to assassinate Joe Biden, but he definitely wasn't going out of his way to avoid it." He also slyly solved America's abortion argument.