Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Colbert, Kimmel, and Fallon rib Rudy Giuliani for losing his law license, tell Biden to stop whispering

"Today, New York ended its pandemic state of emergency," Jimmy Fallon said on Thursday's Tonight Show. That's "exciting," but "unfortunately that also means the end of to-go cocktails — marking the first time anyone's been nostalgic for 2020." Speaking of New York, he added, "the state just suspended Rudy Giuliani from practicing law because of his repeated false and misleading statements about the election. Even Rudy was like, 'What the hell took you so long?' You know you've crossed a line when other lawyers are like, this guy lies way too much. It's a mixed bad for Rudy. The bad news: he can't practice law in New York; the good news: he can't defend himself at his next trial."

But Giuliani's son Andrew stood up for him, in an odd video, Fallon said. "Rudy saw his son giving a speech in a random parking lot and was like, 'I taught him so well.'"

"You may recall that earlier this year, Mr. Giuliani, while working for a certain former president, tried to screw American democracy — and that's not a metaphor, because he did it next to a sex shop," Stephen Colbert said at The Late Show. Yes, "Giuliani can no longer practice law — and if the last year has proven anything, it's that when it comes to law, Rudy needs a lot of practice." Giuliani's career may be toast, he said, but "if he needs cash, he could always sell the fracking rights to his skull."

Colbert also used Britney Spears songs to argue for an end to her conservatorship and called President Biden's new whisper-based "rhetorical flourish" a "little creepy."

"You know how we've been saying how pleasantly boring it has been with President Biden in the White House, because he doesn't do anything weird? Well, today he did something weird," Jimmy Kimmel said at Kimmel Live. He called Biden's whisper "the sound Jill Biden hears just before he starts chewing on her hair."

"Giuliani could soon be disbarred — or behind bars, possibly both — but recount Dracula did get a show of support today from the former president, who put out a forceful statement screaming about justice, and Rudy's son Andrew Giluiani was so upset he made a video in a parking lot," Kimmel said. "Is he like 3 feet tall?"

The Daily Show thanked Giuliani for his years of entertainment.