Stephen Colbert kicked off Tuesday's Late Show by celebrating home-state team Clemson's victory over Alabama in Monday night's college football championship game. Then he got right down to the business of talking about Donald Trump, beginning with a quick look at Tuesday's confirmation hearing for Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.), Trump's pick for attorney general.
There were protests at the hearing, "but there were a few laughs," too, Colbert said, playing a clip of Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) saying the Sessions nomination will answer "the age-old question: Can you be confirmed attorney general of the United States over the objection of 1,400 law professors." Graham laughed, and Sessions laughed, and so did Colbert. "It's funny because nothing matters." He suggested that Sessions disavowing the Ku Klux Klan was a pretty low bar to step over, but warmed up to to the senator when he acknowledged that grabbing a woman by the genitals without asking is, in fact, a crime.
Colbert talked about Trump hiring his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and how he really wished Kushner (and Trump) would take a salary like they were serious about the job, not "running the country as a hobby" or instead of "joining an adult kickball league." But it turns out "Trump needs to hire a lot of people because, unlike previous transitions, Trump is getting rid of all Obama hires immediately — everybody's fired, whether he has replacements for them or not," Colbert said. "And this is true: He's even getting rid of the people in charge of maintaining our nuclear arsenal. Yup, they're leaving our nuclear weapons home alone," a dark joke that queued up a clip from Home Alone 2 that you probably forgot existed. "But on the bright side, if the world ends, Trump will be a one-term president." He ended the monologue by reading a childhood-tainting version of Goodnight Moon that more accurately reflects the life of its author: child-hating, rabbit-hunting, bisexual adulteress Margaret Wise Brown. Watch below. Peter Weber