Speed Reads

Late Night Tackles President Trump

Stephen Colbert tackles White House paranoia, Jeff Sessions' reefer madness, separately

"Apparently, paranoia has seized the Trump White House," Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show Tuesday night. "I'm surprised — I thought Russia was going to seize it." White House staffers are reportedly so paranoid about leaks to the media and meddling by the "deep state" that they're going to great lengths so the feds and administration rivals don't listen in on them. "Now, what is a deep state?" Colbert asked. "I thought it's what you achieve after doing three bong hits and watching Planet Earth," but apparently it's less interesting: a permanent national security bureaucracy supposedly calling the shots.

Really, "I think this paranoia is just the frustration every new administration has with Washington, D.C.," Colbert said. "You went to Washington, you went to work for Trump, because you wanted to tear down the government. Now you have to deal with it, now you are the government. It's like a dog who spent his whole life chasing a car, now he has to drive the car. We're not happy about it either, by the way. Remember, we're in the back seat of a car driven by a dog now."

That somehow brought him back to pot, and Jeff Sessions' comments on the relative dangers of weed last week. "Sure, marijuana's only slightly less awful than heroin — like how burning your tongue on hot cocoa is only slightly less awful than being set on fire," Colbert said. "Sessions really is uptight. If only there was some way to mellow him out, something that's legal in half of America at this point."

By the way, if you're wondering why, with so much going on in Washington, Colbert spent his monologue on a Politico story from last week and a March 15 Jeff Sessions quote, Ryan Reynolds sort of gives the game away below. Peter Weber