Speed Reads

Late Night Tackles President Trump

Samantha Bee explains why Ivanka Trump is not the progressive Trump whisperer liberals are pining for

To celebrate Women's History Month (kind of), Samantha Bee turned the spotlight on the newest White House hire: Ivanka Trump, President Trump's older daughter. "Ivanka's official title is assistant to the president. Wishful thinkers are hoping that's code for 'your secret progressive buddy,'" Bee said on Wednesday's Full Frontal. Her moderating influence was supposed to include pushing Trump to fight climate change. Fat chance, Bee said. "She's not going to convince her dad climate change isn't a Chinese hoax. Anyone with a dad knows they have invincible old man opinion strength. I can't change my dad's opinions on chemtrails for more than eight hours."

That's not to say the first daughter hasn't done any moderating. She might have convinced Trump not to scrap some LGBT protections, Bee said, but "at most, Ivanka has stopped one out of 24 appalling executive orders. That's only one more than Tiffany has stopped!" This sorry track record hasn't stopped Democrats from pinning their hopes on Ivanka, or even writing her wistful notes. "Stop it, Democrats!" Bee said. "She's not a Wailing Wall for you to desperately stuff your prayer notes into. Look, I get it: People are comforted by the thought of a progressive feminist in the White House. To which I say: If you wanted that, you should have voted for it."

Policy-wise, Ivanka is best known for pushing a child-care plan — that's really great for wealthy women. But "to be fair, Ivanka wasn't hired for her policy expertise," Bee said. According to the president's former communications director, Trump gave his daughter a White House job because she is a successful businesswoman. Bee didn't dispute that; instead she looked at one deal in particular that Ivanaka negotiated — a Trump Tower in Azerbaijan — and she turned to New Yorker writer Adam Davidson to explain why that deal is so shady and terrorist-y.

"Ivanka's new job is the same as her old job: Pushing her dad's dodgy agenda with a smile," Bee concluded, "which she was doing way back when Kellyanne was still dreamily pretending to lie to Jake Tapper in her bedroom mirror. I agree: Ivanka is the nicest, smartest, best-smelling Trump. But mainly, she's the loyal Trump." Watch below — but be warned, there is some decidedly NSFW language sprinkled throughout. Peter Weber