Speed Reads

Late Night Tackles President Trump

Stephen Colbert has some suggestions for how Trump can divert attention from his 'scandal stroganoff'

Stephen Colbert kicked off Wednesday night's Late Show monologue with President Trump's scandals. No, not Wednesday's or Monday's or Thursday's inevitable bombshell — "although technically they're all part of one big scandal stroganoff," he said. He was focused on Tuesday night's revelation that, according to detailed notes by former FBI Director James Comey, Trump asked him to kill an investigation into Michael Flynn, Trump's just-ousted national security adviser.

Trump reportedly said Flynn is "a good guy." Sure, Colbert said, breaking out his Trump accent: "'He's a good guy, ask anybody — Russia, Turkey, anybody.' Trump told Comey repeatedly to 'let it go ' — he even got Ivanka to help." And good luck getting the song out of your head. Now would be a good time for Trump to "change the conversation to something, shall we say, less 'indicting' — maybe now's the time to release your tax returns, sir," Colbert suggested. "Or, ooh, what would be less damaging? Got any more tapes of you and Billy Bush?"

Trump is also supposed to be leader of the free world, Colbert said, and before he heads to what promises to be an awkward NATO summit next week, NATO is "frantically trying to Trump-proof the president's first visit. Now, traditionally, Trump-proofing means locking the door to the Miss USA dressing room," he joked, "but in this case it also means compensating for Trump's notoriously short attention span by telling heads of state to limit their talks to two to four minutes at a time." He imagined how that might go, then turned to literary humor: "It would be really fun to watch Donald Trump read a book: 'It was the best of times ...' I love a happy ending."

Trump reportedly has some novel ideas about exercise, that it drains the body's "battery" and saps people of their finite lifetime supply of energy, and Colbert unpacked the ramifications a bit. He ended with an eye-roll at the fastest growing baby boy name in the U.S., according to Social Security Administration statistics: Kylo, as in the new villain of the Star Wars franchise. "This is surprising, since newborn babies look way more like Yoda to me: 'Poop my pants I did,'" Colbert said. "I'm not convinced naming your son Kylo is a great idea," he added, for a reason that will spoil The Force Awakens for you if you haven't already seen it. Peter Weber