Speed Reads

Late Night Tackles the Trump Administration

Stephen Colbert isn't sure Trump's crankiness is a good reason to start a trade war

President Trump's White House is entering critical meltdown, Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. "Wow, the White House tours must be getting really interesting. 'Okay, now we're passing the Lincoln Bedroom — on your right, you'll see John Kelly suffocating Jared Kushner with a pillow, and on your left you'll see the claw marks on the wall left by Steve Bannon as they dragged him to the curb.'" One manifestation of the chaos was Trump's apparently unscheduled announcement of steep tariffs on steel and aluminum imports.

Economists aren't a fan of Trump's proposed tariffs, Colbert explained, and the Dow "sunk like an anchor made of solid American steel. So, the market has spoken — unfortunately, I cannot repeat the word it said on CBS." The new policy will likely raise the price of everything from canned beer to cars, and other countries are already threatening to retaliate, but "what's interesting is how Trump came to this decision," Colbert said. "So Trump is making radical changes to our economy because he's cranky?"

The chaos is also manifesting in the exodus from the White House, most recently Hope Hicks. Her "white lies" admission to Congress "did not sit well with the president," who reportedly berated her for being "stupid," but a friend compared Hicks' departure to Trump losing a limb, Colbert said. "For Trump, losing Hope Hicks is like losing an arm, which is terrible, because we all know he needs two hands to drink water."

It's not just Hicks. Jared Kushner's getting bad press and his security clearance is now lower than the White House chief calligrapher's, Colbert laughed, and there are rumors Trump is pushing out National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster. "But the guy who's really upsetting Trump is Attorney General and racist Dobbie Jeff Sessions," whom Trump has blessed with a new, old-timey nickname. If you're under 80, you can watch Colbert explain who Mr. Magoo is below. Peter Weber