Speed Reads

Turtles are Slow

Jon Stewart is really not impressed with Mitch McConnell's excuses on 9/11 first responders

Former Daily Show host Jon Stewart lambasted Congress in Congress last week for slow-walking funding for 9/11 first responders, and "because the situation is urgent, yesterday Jon then met with the only constituents the Republican lawmakers listen to, Fox News," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. Stewart singled out Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) as the main obstacle, and McConnell went on Monday's Fox & Friends to respond: Members of Congress "have a lot of things going on at the same time," he said, and "many things in Congress happen at the last minute," and Stewart appears to be "looking for some way to take offense" and shouldn't get "so bent out of shape."

Stewart popped up from underneath Colbert's desk with his own rebuttal. "Honestly, Mitch McConnell, you really want to go with the 'we'll get to it when we'll get to it' argument for the heroes of 9/11?" he asked. "Listen, senator, I know that your species isn't known for moving quickly," he added, explaining that the turtle joke was "just a little red meat for the base. But damn, senator, you're not good at this argument thing."

Stewart, it turns out, is pretty good at it, and he left McConnell with a suggestion — that he meet with 9/11 first responders tomorrow — and some food for thought: "If you're busy, I get it. Just understand the next time we have a war, or you're being robbed, or your house is on fire, and you make that desperate call for help, don't get bent out of shape if they show up at the last minute, with fewer people than you thought were going to pay attention, and don't actually put it out — just sort of leave it there, smoldering for another five years, because that's show s--t's done around here, mister. I'm sure they'll put it out for good when they feel like getting around to it." Watch below. Peter Weber