"You know, it's been a rough few years these last two weeks, but today we actually got some good news," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. In a 5-4 decision written by "liberal pinko chief of the patchouli circle Justice John Roberts," the Supreme Court blocked President Trump's attempt to end the DACA program and deport 800,000 DREAMers, handing back "the president's homework with a note that said, 'Show your work.'"
"Trump was not pleased with this decision, or the one on Monday that said employers cannot fire people just because they're LGBTQ," calling them "shotgun blasts into the face of people who are proud to call themselves Republican or Conservative," adding judges will kill the Second Amendment, Colbert said. "So essentially, your argument is that this is as bad as getting shot in the face, and aren't guns great?"
Weirdly, "right after he said 'shotgun blast to the face,' Dick Cheney suddenly appeared," Jimmy Fallon joked at The Tonight Show. Trump also tweeted, "'Do you get the impression that the Supreme Court doesn't like me?' Then minorities, immigrants, scientists, doctors, women, CNN, MSNBC, The New York Times, and every former staffer was like, 'Hey, don't forget about us.'" Seriously, "it's crazy that someone in the White House had to be, like, 'Bad news, Mr. President, we don't get to deport 700,000 DREAMers,'" he added. But between the LGBTQ employment protections and the DREAMER ruling, "basically, Trump's trying to dunk on Obama but Ruth Bader Ginsburg is blocking all his shots."
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"Trump has been counting on the court's 5-4 conservative majority to make all of his policy dreams come true," but "at this rate, tomorrow they're gonna announce that Trump retroactively has to serve in Vietnam," Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. Trump's "shotgun blast into the face" tweet was nutty enough, but asking whether the Supreme Court likes him "is crazy. The Supreme Court is not supposed to like you, they're supposed to like the Constitution. But Trump thinks everything is about him. When the sun goes down at night, he probably thinks it's because him and the sun have beef."
Jimmy Kimmel announced he was taking the summer off and found out he was made a cuckold by longtime frenemy TV Matt Damon. Watch below. Peter Weber
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