Speed Reads

last night on late night

Late night hosts cheer the end of the Afghanistan War, gawk at Matt Gaetz's 'champagne-fueled sex parties'

President Biden just announced an end to the Afghanistan War, "and people, it's about time," Trevor Noah said on Wednesday's Daily Show. "It's been what, 19 years? No war should ever be old enough to serve in itself."

Biden critics say Afghanistan will become a failed state after the U.S. leaves, but what's the alternative, staying there forever? Noah asked. If so, "America should at least make Afghanistan a U.S. state. And the good news with that is it would eliminate Afghanistan's terrorism problem completely, because we all know that once terrorists are American, they're not terrorists anymore, they're just frustrated citizens who are having a bad day."

The war has "been going on so long, the first Iron Man movie opens with Tony Stark in Afghanistan," Stephen Colbert said at The Late Show. "This conflict's older than the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It's an Infinity War with no Endgame." To put nearly 20 years in Afghanistan another way, he said, "this war is too old to date Matt Gaetz."

The Gaetz news "gets more disturbing/more entertaining," Colbert said. "This morning we learned that Gaetz attended champagne-fueled sex parties with other GOP officials." Gaetz's "wingman" Joel Greenberg, who also attended these house parties, has reportedly flipped on Gaetz, he added. "And we know that Greenberg threw his buddy under the school bus because last winter, federal agents seized Gaetz's phone. On the bright side, that just gives Gaetz another thing in common with his dates. 'Hey, Madison, I just lost my phone privileges, too.'"

Between Greenberg cooperating with the feds and those wild house parties, "the odds of Matt Gaetz going to prison are now higher than his hair," Jimmy Kimmel said at Kimmel Live. "Two women who said they were at the parties told CNN they saw Gaetz taking pills they assumed were party drugs, and he had sex with the women, after which money would change hands. That's crazy. Has Matt Gaetz learned nothing from Donald Trump? You're supposed to have your lawyer pay the women after you have sex with them, in secret."

"With all the allegations and salacious details that are out there," Kimmel said, "the one Matt Gaetz is pushing back on the hardest" is the report "he was denied a meeting with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago, and Matty and Fatty are both crying 'fake news.'" Kimmel wasn't buying it. Watch below. Peter Weber