take a cold shower, tucker
Red-blooded Americans who loved getting themselves all hot and bothered over candy mascots got some bad news this week, Tucker Carlson explained Friday.
On Friday's episode of Tucker Carlson Tonight, the Fox News host commented on the candy mascots' recent redesign, noting that "the brown M&M has, quote, 'transitioned from high stilettos to lower block heels' … [L]ess sexy. That's progress."
Carlson went on to argue this makeover is all part of a woke conspiracy to quench the sexual desire he assumes many of his viewers previously felt for the talking candies: "M&M's will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn't want to have a drink with any one of them. That's the goal. When you're totally turned off, we've achieved equity. They've won," Carlson said.
Mars, Incorporated — the company behind the chocolates that melt in your mouth but not in your hand — announced Thursday they would be redesigning their anthropomorphic M&M mascots in order to show the company's "commitment to creating a world where everyone feels they belong and society is inclusive," The Hill reported.
These changes include new voices for all six characters and footwear changes for the two female M&Ms. As previously mentioned, the brown M&M switched from stilettos to slightly more sensible footwear, while sneakers replaced the green M&M's go-go boots.
"I think we all win when we see more women in leading roles, so I'm happy to take on the part of supportive friend when they succeed," the green M&M's promotional bio said. The four male mascots appear more or less unchanged.
Carlson wasn't the only Fox News personality to rage against candy-coated wokeness. Gutfeld! cast member Kat Timpf called the redesigned green M&M an "opportunistic, evil b---h," on an episode of the show that aired Friday night.