Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Late night hosts drink in St. Patrick's Day, spit out Russia's U.S. propagandists, picture Putin sans botox

Jimmy Fallon dedicated a good deal of Thursday's Tonight Show monologue to St. Patrick's Day, including singing about how we all can be Irish-Americans. "Switching gears, I read that Netflix is trying to crack down on password sharing by charging an extra fee to users who share their account," he said. "In other words, everyone under 30 is about to find out that Netflix isn't free."

"A lot of people are upset about this plan, but guess what? You don't have to buy Netflix, because you know who's not going to charge you extra? Your old pals here on broadcast television," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "Meanwhile, there's a war happening. Vladdy and the Putins are getting hit with more sanctions to punish them for their unprovoked attacks on Ukraine. The House today passed a bill to suspend normal trade relations with Russia," and "yesterday President Biden called Putin a 'war criminal.' Russia said that was unforgivable, so today Biden called him a 'murderous dictator' and a 'pure thug.' Tomorrow he's going to call him a stupid-head, and it might get really crazy."

"Even pharmaceutical companies have stopped shipping nonessential drugs to Russia," including botox, which Putin is rumored to use, Kimmel said, showing a visual representation of what it might look like if Putin stopped using the wrinkle-smoothing injections. "What a weird time for Russians — their assets are frozen but their foreheads are not."

"Ukraine has been saying for weeks that Russia is guilty of war crimes, and now it looks like the president of the United States agrees," Trevor Noah said on The Daily Show. But not all Americans are down on Putin, he said. "As wild as it sounds, channels like Fox News, Newsmax, and OAN, they've been so friendly to Putin's narrative, that Russian TV stations have even reportedly been ordered to play clips of Tucker Carlson on its broadcasts." Noah demonstrated how closely some American conservatives hew to the Kremlin's party line in a "propagand-off."

"Biden announced yesterday that the U.S. will provide a new assistance package for Ukraine which includes 800 anti-aircraft systems" — and "we're giving them the best anti-aircraft system we have: drunk passengers," Seth Meyers joked on Late Night. "Republican Pennsylvania Senate hopeful Dr. Mehmet Oz said yesterday that he would renounce his dual Turkish citizenship if he gets elected. No word yet on when he'll renounce the title of 'doctor.'"