Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Late night hosts celebrate Biden's 79th birthday with ribbing about his age and historic colonoscopy

"This weekend was President Biden's birthday, and he's the first president to turn 79 while in office," Jimmy Fallon said on Monday's Tonight Show. "Biden spent his birthday in Wilmington, Delaware, and went to a 5 o'clock Mass. Man, does this guy know how to party, or what? Even Mike Pence was like, 'Ever heard of Chuck E. Cheese?'"

To give some perspective on how old Biden is, "Bill Clinton — remember him? guy who was president almost 30 years ago? — he's 75 now," Jimmy Kimmel noted on Kimmel Live. "Biden kicked off his birthday weekend with a colonoscopy. His doctor said there were no traces of malarkey, everything looked good," and the report from the White House doctor sounded "like a Cialis ad. I mean, we need him to run the country, not impregnate our women, all right? 'Vigorous' is unnecessary."

"Biden temporarily transferred power to Vice President Kamala Harris while undergoing a routine colonoscopy, making Harris the first woman to assume presidential power," Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show. "Yes, 100 years after women got the right to vote, we finally got the first female president — on a technicality."

Biden passed his physical, and his doctors "also checked the old noodle shop, and confirmed he's still got a whole bag of ramen," Colbert said, putting on his aviators for his Biden impressions: "I can pass any brain test you throw at me, Jack. You want me to remember five words you told me? Easy peasy, here we go: Person, woman, Jack, malarkey, C'mon.'" Still, he added, "the man is 79, and it shows" in his "'perceptibly stiffer and less fluid' gait — or as Fox News calls it, GaitGate."

Colbert also lamented the Kyle Rittenhouse acquittal. "I'm not a legal expert, so I can't tell you whether or not Kyle Rittenhouse broke the law, but I can tell you this: If he didn't break the law, we should change the law," he said. And "only a complete moron would celebrate this clear tragedy by making this guy a hero." Colbert singled out Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.): "Of course, Gaetz has a vested interest in juries finding people not guilty, especially when it involves a 17-year-old crossing state lines."

"After Kyle Rittenhouse was found not guilty, Republican congressmen Madison Cawthorn, Matt Gaetz, and Paul Gosar each offered Rittenhouse an internship — which is great," Seth Meyers said on Late Night. "It's not jail time, but it would be nice if he got some kind of punishment."