Late Show

Thousands of people celebrated Presidents Day on Monday by gathering in streets nationwide for "Not My Presidents Day" rallies. Stephen Colbert was having none of it. "Sorry, but yeah: your president," he said on Monday's Late Show. "Deal with it. George Washington was not more president than Donald Trump, okay? Abraham Lincoln: exactly the same amount of commander in chief as Donald Trump. So no marching off to your fantasy world — do not leave me alone with this guy!"

America's president, Colbert noted, declared the press the "enemy of the American people" on Friday, and Colbert managed a mockery twofer: "You know who I feel bad for? ISIS. They try so hard. Sorry, ISIS — if you want to get on the list, you've got to publish photos of Trump's inauguration crowd, then he'll be really, really angry at you." He played a clip of Sen. John McCain standing up for the media, saying abolishing a free press is how dictatorships begin. McCain wasn't calling Trump a dictator, Colbert noted, or at least not "a full dictator. He's more bite-sized, okay? He's a dictator-tot."

Colbert had a short riff on Trump's new national security adviser, Lt. Gen. H.R. McMaster — "He chose McMaster, I assume, because he had the strongest-sounding name — 'Is Gen. Thrust McPowerhouse not available? Let's go with McMaster instead'" — and ended with Trump's rally in Florida on Saturday. "Over 9,000 showed up," Colbert said. "It is the biggest crowd Trump has drawn to an airport without detaining anyone." Trump was there to talk to the people, and he called one person he'd seen on TV up to the stage, telling him to just jump the security fence. Colbert let that sink in for a second, finally deadpanning: "Yes, nothing screams secure borders and extreme vetting like 'Hop over the fence!'" Watch below. Peter Weber