Speed Reads

Late night Tackles the government shutdown

Stephen Colbert isn't optimistic this shutdown-ending truce will last three weeks

Stephen Colbert began Monday's Late Show by congratulating his American viewers on having a government — at least until Feb. 8. Senate Democrats agreed to reopen the government for three weeks in exchange for a 6-year extension of the Children's Health Insurance Program (CHIP) and a promise from Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) to hold a vote to protect DREAMers. That's a bum deal, Colbert said. "Mitch McConnell has proved he will lie to anyone about anything," but "here we are. To avoid another shutdown, all that needs to happen is that Congress has to agree on how to fix our entire immigration system in 17 days — and once they do that, the pigs that fly out of all their butts will solve world hunger."

President Trump isn't helping create the environment for such magic to bloom, Colbert said, recapping his more over-the-top attacks on Democrats over the weekend and his gloating on Monday about how Democrats "caved." "Wait a second, there's a cave?" Colbert asked. "Can we all fit in there? Is there enough food and water for the next three years?"

Trump spent the shutdown weekend tweeting about watching Fox News and "working hard!" — in the same tweet — when he really wanted to be at his anniversary gala at Mar-a-Lago. "Because McConnell couldn't get the votes, Trump had to miss his party — which seems fair," Colbert said. "Republicans ruin Trump's party and Trump is ruining the Republican Party." Since Trump was stuck in D.C. wandering "around the White House like a cranky Roomba," he sent Eric Trump in his place — not a good deal for his $100,000-a-couple ticket holders, Colbert said. The guests had other concerns, though, with one griping about the caviar silverware and accompaniments. "I can't believe I'm saying this," Colbert said, "but Donald Trump might not be the worst person at Mar-a-Lago." Watch below. Peter Weber