"In response to a surge of migrants coming into this country, today [President] Trump unveiled a new approach that treats asylum-seekers fairly and humanely," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "April Fools!" Actually, "Trump threatened to shut the Mexico border — just in time for Spring Break," he said. "Hey, college kids, I know you had your hearts set on Cancún, but how about Spring Break Wall!'"

"Trump announced his threat in an epic, three-part policy tweet," Colbert said, and he had to take two water breaks while reading them. Then he explained why closing the border would be bad, threatening 5 million American jobs, for example — and America's entire avocado supply. "Holy lack-of-guacamole," Colbert said. "What are we supposed to put on our toast now? Jelly? You go to Concord Grape hell, old man."

"Officials are claiming that the United States will run out of avocados within three weeks if President Trump closes the U.S.-Mexico border, which is bad," Seth Meyers agreed on Late Night. "But I think it's way more disconcerting that everything has to be explained to the public in avocados. 'There will be a trade war! Families will be torn apart! Our national reputation will be damaged!' 'Uh huh.' 'No guacamole!' 'What!?! Impeach!'"

Frustratingly, Trump's policies are just making the border crisis worse, Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. Cutting aid to Honduras, El Salvador, and Guatemala — the three "Mexican countries," as Fox News put it — will only drive more migrants to America, he said. But "don't worry, the president already has a solution for that: He's going to slap a 'closed' sign at the bottom of America."

Shutting down the border "wouldn't just hurt the hombres down south," Noah said, pointing to the avocado shortage. "Once again, Donald Trump has shown there's no problem he can't make twice as bad. Because you realize if white people can't get avocados in America, they're going to start fleeing to Mexico, and now there's going to be a crisis on both sides of the border." Watch below. Peter Weber

A hotel in the Dominican Republic where two American tourists recently died said it is removing liquor bottles from its minibars, but denies the move has anything to do with the deaths.

Erica Lopez, the general manager of The Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Punta Cana, told CNN the decision to take out the bottles was made last week. Over the last year, at least 10 American tourists have died in the Dominican Republic, including David Harrison, 45, of Maryland, who died at the Hard Rock last July, and Robert Wallace, 67, of California, who died there in April. One theory behind the deaths is that tainted alcohol was somehow involved, and Wallace's relatives told KTXL he became ill after drinking scotch from the minibar in his room.

The FBI is assisting Dominican officials with toxicology reports, testing samples from some hotel minibars; authorities say that any time someone dies in a hotel room in the Dominican Republic, they test minibars for bacteria and take samples of water from showers and sinks. Last year, 6.5 million tourists visited the Dominican Republic, with 2.2 million from the United States, and officials from both countries say the deaths are not connected and there's no reason to cancel any upcoming vacations. Catherine Garcia

Julia "Hurricane" Hawkins, 103, is a force to be reckoned with on the track.

The Baton Rouge, Louisiana, resident has always been active, but preferred riding her bicycle to other activities. After she fell off her bike and dislocated her elbow, Hawkins switched to running a few years ago, telling Today, "I always came running in to answer the phone, so I thought maybe I could run."

Last week, she became the oldest woman to compete — and win — in the National Senior Games, taking home the gold in the 50- and 100-meter races. Hawkins, a former elementary school teacher, doesn't train for her runs, and said she gets her exercise from gardening. Inspiring older people to stay active is "a good thing," she told Today, and she wants everyone to remember "you can still do things when you get older. Just keep moving and be interested in things." Catherine Garcia

As part of an audit, the Office of the Inspector General will investigate why the Treasury Department delayed the release of a redesigned $20 bill featuring abolitionist Harriet Tubman.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) asked the Treasury's watchdog to look into the matter and if there was "any involvement by the White House." In a statement released Monday, Schumer said there are "no women, there are no people of color on our paper currency today, even though they make up a significant majority of our population ... the $20 note was a long overdue way to recognize that disparity, and rectify it."

During the Obama administration, former Treasury Secretary Jacob Lew announced the redesign, scheduled for release in 2020. In May, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin said the Tubman $20 was being pushed aside, as the $10 and $50 bills needed to be redesigned first due to counterfeit concerns. The audit, which should take about 10 months to complete, will also look at security measures in place for currency. Catherine Garcia

It's fair to assume that, when playing word association games, "Burning Man" and "lobbyist" don't pair together all too often.

But that's exactly what's happening in real life, Politico reports. Burning Man, an annual festival — actually, Burning Man's official website is loud and clear about the fact that the event is not a festival, but a "community," "temporary city," or "global cultural movement" — that takes place in the Nevada desert.

Burning Man organizers are reportedly afraid that new federal regulations could end its reign, or at least kill its vibe. The Bureau of Land Management wrote a 372-page draft creating a whole set of new standards that would seemingly knock some of the wind out of the event's carefree, unrestrained spirit, including calls for reduced light pollution, additional dumpsters, a wall outside of the venue, and maintenance on Nevada's County Road 34.

So, because those proposals are "in direct conflict with" Burning Man's "core principles," the event now has some "top-shelf" lobbyists from the firm Holland & Knight on retainer, Politico reports. Several lobbyists from both sides of the aisle, including a former Trump campaign staffer, will reportedly talk with the Bureau of Land Management on getting a permit for the event. Tim O'Donnell

Prisoners of some of the world's worst terrorist groups had a privilege that many migrant children don't.

Reports had already indicated that migrant children were being held in disgusting conditions in U.S. detention centers, and last week, that story came to a head as a video showed a Trump administration lawyer arguing that toothpaste and soap aren't necessary to constitute "safe and sanitary" conditions. That viral footage prompted a response from Michael Scott Moore, who tweeted Saturday that "Somali pirates gave me toothpaste and soap."

Moore would know. He was kidnapped by Somali pirates in 2012 and was held for two and a half years before he was released. His response then got some backup from David Rohde, who tweeted that "the Taliban gave me toothpaste and soap." The journalist was kidnapped by Taliban members in 2008 and held for eight months before escaping.

An Associated Press report last week first described conditions at a Clint, Texas detention facility, where there was "inadequate food, water and sanitation for the 250 infants, children and teens" being held there. A doctor who visited the facility later filed a report saying it "could be compared to torture facilities." All but 30 of those children have since been taken out of the facility and to a tent detention center, Rep. Veronica Escobar (D-Texas) told AP on Monday. Kathryn Krawczyk

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio needs a presidential primary boost. This probably won't do it.

On Monday, de Blasio tweeted an apparent text exchange between himself and his 21-year-old son Dante, in which the 2020 Democrat asks his son for advice ahead of Wednesday's primary debates. "Hey Dad, I'm glad you've asked," Dante responds in what one can only assume is the tone of an infomercial host, before going on to share some advice.

For starters, Dante tells de Blasio to relate the story of meeting his wife Chirlane McCray to "how hard it is to find, like, 'the one' on tinder." De Blasio is skeptical, so Dante suggests bringing up the universally beloved subject of dogs, and then proposes de Blasio "tell people that NYC was just Staten Island when you started your first term." For an extra hip approach, Dante also recommends the tallest candidate on the stage try "a Zion leap over the moderator to the rim."

It was in de Blasio's best interest to ask Dante for some help, given that his stellar ad for his father's 2013 mayoral race is said to have steered de Blasio to victory. Dante is also a state debate champion, as de Blasio alludes to in his carefully crafted text exchange. And while this exchange may not do the mayor any favors, Dante should at least be credited with convincing de Blasio to apparently ditch his beloved flip phone. Kathryn Krawczyk