Late Night Tackles Trump and Immigration
"In response to a surge of migrants coming into this country, today [President] Trump unveiled a new approach that treats asylum-seekers fairly and humanely," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "April Fools!" Actually, "Trump threatened to shut the Mexico border — just in time for Spring Break," he said. "Hey, college kids, I know you had your hearts set on Cancún, but how about Spring Break Wall!'"
"Trump announced his threat in an epic, three-part policy tweet," Colbert said, and he had to take two water breaks while reading them. Then he explained why closing the border would be bad, threatening 5 million American jobs, for example — and America's entire avocado supply. "Holy lack-of-guacamole," Colbert said. "What are we supposed to put on our toast now? Jelly? You go to Concord Grape hell, old man."
"Officials are claiming that the United States will run out of avocados within three weeks if President Trump closes the U.S.-Mexico border, which is bad," Seth Meyers agreed on Late Night. "But I think it's way more disconcerting that everything has to be explained to the public in avocados. 'There will be a trade war! Families will be torn apart! Our national reputation will be damaged!' 'Uh huh.' 'No guacamole!' 'What!?! Impeach!'"
Frustratingly, Trump's policies are just making the border crisis worse, Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. Cutting aid to Honduras, El Salvador, and Guatemala — the three "Mexican countries," as Fox News put it — will only drive more migrants to America, he said. But "don't worry, the president already has a solution for that: He's going to slap a 'closed' sign at the bottom of America."
Shutting down the border "wouldn't just hurt the hombres down south," Noah said, pointing to the avocado shortage. "Once again, Donald Trump has shown there's no problem he can't make twice as bad. Because you realize if white people can't get avocados in America, they're going to start fleeing to Mexico, and now there's going to be a crisis on both sides of the border." Watch below. Peter Weber