Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Late night hosts mock Jeff Bezos, his space cowboy hat, and his extremely phallic rocket

"It was an exciting day because just after 9:00 this morning, Jeff Bezos flew to space aboard Blue Origin's New Shepard rocket," Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday's Tonight Show. "Before his trip to space, Bezos said 'I'm just really excited to figure out how it's going to change me,'" and "I guess space turns you into Kenny Chesney." Seriously, he said, Bezos "looks like a mashup of Buzz Lightyear and Woody — two for one. You got the space suit and cowboy hat together by searching for the 'midlife crisis bundle.'" Fallon and Tariq Trotter also dedicated 30 seconds to swapping jokes about the rocket's distinctively phallic shape.

"I'm not sure what they used to fuel the rocket, but based on the design, I'm gonna say two D batteries," Seth Meyers deadpanned at Late Night.

Yes, "Bald Lightyear went to space and back this morning," and "millions of people all over the world looked up and said, 'Wow, that that thing sure looks like a penis,'" Anthony Anderson spelled it out on Jimmy Kimmel Live. The whole flight took 10 minutes, and after Bezos landed, "he exited the rocket wearing a cowboy hat. Boy, nothing says 'midlife crisis' like putting on a cowboy hat and blasting off to space in a giant metal d--k."

President Biden "hosted the Super Bowl champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers at the White House today," and Tom Brady used the occasion to "workshop some new material," Anderson said. "Well, I guess he's not golfing at Mar-a-Lago anytime soon."

Stephen Colbert said Bezos' space cowboy hat made him somehow look "extra-divorced," and laughed at Bezos thanking workers and Amazon customers for funding his space flight. "It's funny because he doesn't pay taxes or his employees," he explained. 

"The only way to stop the virus is to get people vaccinated, but that's quite a challenge" because the remaining holdouts "are diehard pro-dying," Colbert said. "You can have their cold, dead hands when you pry them from their cold, dead wrists." Now, "all the anti-vax propaganda on Fox News is not helping," he said. "It's right there in Fox News' slogan: 'We report. You just died.' But Fox tries to pass off their anti-vax segments as being about freedom."

The Daily Show's Desi Lydic had a PSA for those vaccine-hesitant Americans who believe the government wants to jab you full of microchips, and you can watch it below.