Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Late night hosts hit Valentine's Day and the Super Bowl, and Colbert sneaks in 'gazpacho police' jokes

"I think it's weird having Valentine's Day after the Super Bowl," Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday's Kimmel Live. "I was out past midnight last night, flipping SUVs and setting mattresses on fire, now I'm supposed to be romantic?" On a related note, "according to something called the General Social Survey, Americans — that's most of us — are having the least amount of sex we've had in 30 years," he said. "There are a number of possible reasons for it ... but let's be honest, we all know what the real reason is: unlimited porn."

The Super Bowl was good but "the halftime show was great," Kimmel said. "They're going to be talking about this one on Fox News for many years to come. Dr. Dre, 50 Cent, Eminem, Kendrick Lamar, Anderson Paak, and it was supposed to be Mary J. Blige, but Snoop Dogg smoked all the J's, so it was just Mary Blige."

"Everybody's still talking about the amazing halftime show starring Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg," Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show, "two legends of hard-core gangsta rap — or as the kids call them today, Martha Stewart's friend and the headphones guy." According to experts, he added, "Super Bowl Monday is one of the least productive workdays. I was going to do a joke on that, but no one came up with one."

Meanwhile, everyone's getting really sick of the COVID-19 pandemic, Colbert said. "You want to know how bad things have gotten? Canadians have become impolite!" Canada cleared one of its "Freedom Convoy" truck blockades, and the protesters could face jail time. "You hear that, truckers? Your refusal to drive your trucks means that you could be forced to spend a year in a metal box, peeing into a bottle. Speaking of people who should be in jail," he added, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) recently "made the TV rounds complaining about the scope of the Jan. 6 investigation. Now, we were off last week, but she said something so dumb that we almost came back to do a special live show just to talk about it." Instead, he delayed the pun-gratification until Monday: "Yes, the 'gazpacho police.' Cup of Goebbels soup, Top Rommel, Leni Beefenstock — all portrayed in the classic movie Schindler's Bisque."

The Daily Show's Ronny Chieng picked fights about Valentine's Day on the streets of Brookyn. Prove him wrong.