Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Late night hosts unpack the Catholic baptism pronoun mess, the avocado crisis, Trump's fake Twitter

Is Russia about to send 150,000 troops streaming into Ukraine, or is it pulling back? The Late Show had Vladimir Putin explain his magic trick in Wednesday's cold open.

"The Ruskies have been rude-skies" at the Beijing Olympics, like when the Russian speed-skating team beat the U.S. and one Russian celebrated with double one-finger salutes, Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show, accepting the skater's apology in kind. "The Russians aren't just rude, they're rule-breakers," he said, summarizing the Kamila Valieva doping scandal. "Fifteen-year-olds on drugs should not be in the Olympics — they should be on Euphoria." 

"All the focus on Russia is distracting our leaders from another cross-border crisis that hits much closer to home," the ban on Mexican avocado imports, Colbert said. America clearly has an avocado addiction, he added, ending a long windup with a punchline about "hitting guac bottom."

There's a big controversy in Arizona, "aka dehydrated Florida," where "a Catholic priest has used one wrong word during baptisms," leaving thousands of sacraments invalid, Colbert said. He added that he didn't think God would mind a priest replacing "I baptize" with "we baptize," because of the nature of the trinity, but the Vatican disagrees, leaving sacramental chaos. "Of course this is just a priest at a baptism," Colbert said. "It could be worse — it could've been a rabbi at a bris."

"Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to hear that the Catholic Church cares about people's pronouns, but this seems like a minor mistake to me," Trevor Noah said on The Daily Show. "Like, I would understand if the priest accidentally cleansed their souls in White Claw (hard seltzer) — that I would get — but this doesn't seem like a huge deal," and it doesn't seem fair that "a paperwork issue could send you to Hell." He interviewed "God" and learned that humans are a little self-involved — and a little something more.

Jimmy Kimmel recapped former President Trump's long, conspiratorial response to his longtime accounting firm cutting ties — "and yet his ties are still a good 4 inches too long," he joked on Kimmel Live. He also noted the similarities between Trump's emerging social media site and Twitter. "It took him who knows how many millions of dollars and a year to change a blue checkmark to a red checkmark — basically it made Donald Trump a pretend Twitter to post on," Kimmel said, hatching a plan that could solve everything.