Speed Reads

You can't always get what you want

QAnon has now dragged the Rolling Stones into its Trump-JFK Jr. fantasy, and Stephen Colbert has questions

"Folks, in case you were wondering what your insane aunt is up to, you don't have to wait till Thanksgiving," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. "The latest in cutting-edge crazy is that hundreds of QAnon adherents gathered in Dallas, Texas, yesterday. The reason? They were expecting a big announcement from John F. Kennedy Jr.," who died 22 years ago. "Apparently the creme de la cray-cray believed that John-John faked his own death, went into hiding, and is now actually the Q that they follow on the internet," Colbert explained. "And they expected him to appear in public and reveal all of this yesterday in Dallas, at Dealey Plaza, by the grassy knoll. Oh, and they had to throw in the grassy knoll. Up till then it had the ring of truth."

"Shockingly, JFK Jr. did not show up in Dallas yesterday afternoon, due to his chronic case of NotAlive," Colbert said. "But the QAnon crowd didn't lose hope because rumors began to circulate that JFK Jr. would instead appear at a concert by the Rolling Stones that evening. Guys! Come on! You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find, you just might find, you get what you need — which is medication."

When JFK Jr. failed to appear at the Stones concert, some intrepid QAnon believers proposed "that Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is in fact President John F. Kennedy," Colbert laughed. "Okay, that is crazy. President Kennedy would be 104 years old, and Keith Richards is clearly way older than that."

"It's crazy that people actually believe this — I mean, if you're gonna believe that a band is the dead Kennedys in disguise, wouldn't you assume that band was the Dead Kennedys?" Jimmy Kimmel asked on Kimmel Live. "The Illiterati gathered by the hundreds because they believed JFK Jr. and JFK Sr. were going to re-emerge and reinstall Donald Trump to power — because obviously the Kennedys would be big Trump fans," Kimmel deadpanned. "I cannot overstate how crazy this event — that is getting almost no coverage — was." Seriously, "how many times does Q have to be wrong before they realize he's just making stuff up?" he asked. "They don't even know who he is. Maybe I'm Q! ... It's not out of the question. If I was, this is exactly how I would do it."