not the onion
Pennsylvania superintendent proposes equipping classrooms with buckets of rocks for students to throw at gunmen
In an idea that makes bringing knives to a gunfight sound like a prudent decision, the superintendent of the Blue Mountain School District in Pennsylvania has suggested equipping classrooms with "five-gallon bucket[s] of river stone" so that "if an armed intruder attempts to gain entrance into any of our classrooms, they will face a classroom full [of] students armed with rocks and they will be stoned."
The idea, first reported by Pennsylvania's ABC 16, came to Dr. David Helsel, who announced it at the House Education Committee meeting in Harrisburg. He stressed that the rocks ought to be "the right size for hands" and that they need to be thrown "very hard" in order to fend off a potential attacker who could be armed with a semi-automatic rifle.
One student, a senior at Blue Mountain High School, said he liked the idea because "anything helps, rocks are better than books and pencils." A college student in Schuylkill Haven dismissed the idea as "rather comical."
President Trump has controversially suggested arming teachers, an idea that perhaps could be a little more effective than rocks, although it has widely been criticized by school officials.
Maybe everyone just needs to take a deep breath and go back to the drawing board. Has anyone considered sling shots? Spitballs?