Speed Reads

Late Night Tackles Election 2018

Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel have some parting words for Paul Ryan

House Speaker Paul Ryan announced that he isn't seeking re-election, and Stephen Colbert had some theories. "No one with this kind of power just walks away, that's just not done," he said on Wednesday's Late Show. "The man is third in line for the presidency — though, maybe he's leaving because he just figured that out. 'Wait, the FBI just raided Michael Cohen's office? Not it! Not it!'"

"There's a lot of speculation that Ryan is jumping ship before a big Democratic wave sweeps the midterms," but Ryan's friends say he's leaving after getting his long-cherished tax cuts — and because of President Trump, Colbert said, feigning shock. "What? Working with President Trump is frustrating? That's not what the last 30 people who quit said." Trump himself was effusive in his praise, telling Ryan, "We are with you Paul!" "Yes, Republicans are with you, Paul — and by 'with you,' they mean leaving office in November," Colbert said. "So fare thee well, Paul Ryan. We'll all miss your favorite catchphrase: 'No, I hadn't heard what the president said but if true, that is troubling.'"

"Ryan said he wants to spend more time with his children," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "And by 'with' he means 'away from,' and by 'children' he means 'Donald Trump.'" Ryan's "only regret is not taking health care away from more poor people — that will haunt him for some time," Kimmel said. But Ryan's departure marks "the end of an era — I mean, once he's gone, who else is going to go to the congressional gym?" He showed has sad that will be for the congressional gym with a tear-jerking preview of the empty facility and its dejected staff. Watch below. Peter Weber