Speed Reads

last night on late night

Trevor Noah jokes his way through the college bribery scandal, Pelosi's impeachment genius, Romney vs. cake

We just got "the biggest story to rock American colleges since the invention of the red Solo cup," Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show. "This is insane: The FBI has just busted dozens of rich parents for bribing colleges to accept their kids. And not just any rich people — some celebrities. I'm so disappointed in you, Aunt Becky. I mean, I expected this from a Desperate Housewife, but you?"

Noah ran through some of the "mind-blowing" details that have emerged so far. "This story is so infuriating, because rich kids should have to get into college the old-fashioned way," he said: "By their parents donating a library. So this is a huge story right now, and not just because of the possible crimes committed but also because of everything it says about how privileged people get ahead in a country that's supposed to be about merit and hard work."

Noah regretfully moved on to "another spoiled brat who's in a place he's not supposed to be" — and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's argument against impeaching him, President Trump, because it would be divisive and "he's just not worth it." Wow, Noah said. "Either Nancy Pelosi has gone soft or this is brilliant reverse psychology. Because you know Trump's going to hear that and be like: 'How dare you? I'm totally worth impeaching!' And she'd be like, 'No, you're not, Donald.' 'Oh, yeah? Check out my tax returns, and here's my pee-pee tape. Lock me up! Lock me up!'"

Noah ended with the scuffle between the NBA's Russell Westbrook and a Utah Jazz fan, and Sen. Mitt Romney's odd birthday cake technique. "I'm sorry, blowing out candles one-by-one, I think we can all agree, is extremely weird," he said. "And I'm not going to lie: He did it with such rich-white-man confidence that I started wondering if I'd been doing it wrong my entire life." Watch below. Peter Weber