After two years, Special Counsel Robert Mueller's report will be made public Thursday, Stephen Colbert half-celebrated on Wednesday's Late Show. Attorney General William Barr and Deputy Attorney General Rosenstein will discuss the report at 9:30 a.m., before releasing it hours later, and it "will undoubtedly blow the lid off Donald Trump's corruption," Colbert deadpanned, holding up a dozen eggs. "Until then, I will pass the time counting my chickens, which I will safely place in one basket."
"One person who's likely to appear in the report is WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange," dragged out of Ecuador's London embassy last week "looking like Gandalf the Douche," Colbert said. Why did Ecuador revoke his asylum after seven years? "Well for one, Ecuador's government accused him of spying on other countries from their embassy and of hacking the phone of their president, Lenín Moreno, then posting this picture of Moreno eating lobster in bed," he said. "Also, Assange, it turns out, is the worst roommate on Planet Earth."
According to embassy staff, Assange rode a skateboard in the halls, played loud music at all hours, walked around in his underwear, refused to care for his cat, stunk up the embassy with his lack of personal hygiene, smeared feces on the wall, and he'd "always take what was clearly marked as 'Ecuador's Yogurt — Do Not Eat,'" Colbert joked. "To back up their point, Ecuador leaked this security camera footage" skateboarding badly.
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"Now, a lot of people have been worried about the cat — remember the cat that he's not feeding?" Colbert said, and he used Embassy Cat's outfits to pivot back to the Mueller report and Russian collusion.
The "known tie to Russian intelligence" is the one holding the cat. Watch below. Peter Weber
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