Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel roll their eyes at outrage over Biden's new vaccine requirements

"The biggest story today is that the coronavirus refuses to stop being the biggest story every day," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. "The more the virus spreads, the more it mutates, which experts say could lead to a possible 'monster' variant. And as we know, a monster variant could catch on in a flash and become a graveyard smash."

That's why "this afternoon, President Biden gave a speech to outline his plan to curb the coronavirus," Colbert said, applauding Biden's order that all federal workers must get vaccinated. "Finally, the federal government has reached the high standard of audience for a comedy show."

"In his speech, Biden said that vaccinated America's patience was wearing thin with the unvaccinated, and it was time for them to step up and get their shots," Colbert said. "And I say hear hear! Vaccine mandates have a proud patriotic history in this country," starting with George Washington and his army's smallpox outbreak. 

Between Biden's speech and vaccine rules, "this really does feel like when your dad stops threatening and actually does turn the car around," James Corden said at The Late Late Show. "Biden said it's time to stop horsing around, and then he was like, 'No, seriously, stop taking horse medicine.'"

Yes, "Biden broke into my soap operas to outline his new plan to squelch this virus," including the new vaccination requirements, Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "Of course a lot of people are upset about this, they don't want to be told what to do, not even by the doctors who they will eventually rush to to beg for help when they get sick. But you know, there's a reason these pandemic movies end when the hero finds the cure for the disease. There's no Contagion sequel with Matt Damon running around trying to convince everyone to take the vaccine, they just take the vaccine. And thank God, by the way — he sucks, we don't need any more movies with him. I don't know, like a quarter of the country thinks herd immunity means they should be taking livestock medicine instead of the vaccination."

The Tonight Show's Jimmy Fallon talked about NFL football and Tesla's laser windshild wipers.

And Late Night's Seth Meyers explained why Trump is wrong that Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee would have won the war in Afghanistan.