"The country is slowly emerging from a crisis that gripped not just America but the entire globe, and we're still surveying the damage of this unprecedented plague that lost to Joe Biden on Nov. 3," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. For one thing, "we're learning the last president's desperate attempts to cling to power were even desperater and clingier than we thought," with his chief of staff, Mark Meadows, pressing the Justice Department to investigate election conspiracy theories, including an especially wild one called "Italygate."
"That's right, he thought the election was stolen by space Italians," Colbert laughed. "Now, obviously, this is insane. First off, and no offense, but Italy isn't exactly known for its cutting-edge orbital technology." He used a flatulence analogy to explain why he's still talking about Trump. "Of course, there was some other news today — one assumes," he said. "I don't know because this morning there was a massive global internet outage that affected news giants like CNN and The New 'York Times."
"It was just announced that former President Trump is launching a speaking tour with Bill O'Reilly called the History Tour," Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. "When he heard, Sean Hannity was like, 'Well, I met someone new and totally awesome, too, so.' It should be a fun tour. Backstage passes automatically come with a hush-money payment of $130,000."
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Yes, like the cicadas, "Trump is planning to re-emerge for some paid live appearances" with Bill O'Reilly, Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live, noting that "the History Tour" was "also the name of Michael Jackson's tour 25 years ago. Wait until you hear those two do 'The Girl is Mine,' it's quite a duet."
Kimmel also played audio CNN just obtained of "Trump's former lawyer" Rudy Giuliani pressuring Ukraine to investigate Joe Biden. "All this guy does is dig up dirt," he said, "whether it's on Joe Biden or Hunter Biden or just trying to get out of his grave every morning."
The Late Show remixed Giuliani's Ukraine call.
Trump, surprisingly, slammed Bitcoin and other "scam" cryptocurrencies, Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "But keep in mind, just because Trump calls it a scam doesn't mean that he's against it. It just means he's probably on his own version. Like, I say there's a 99 percent chance that by the end of the year, he's going to introduce the TrumpCoin."
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