Last Night on Late Night
"Last night the House voted 252-175 to form a commission that would investigate the Jan. 6 Capitol riots," Jimmy Fallon said on Thursday's Tonight Show. "Not only did 175 Republicans vote against the commission, they also want to make Jan. 6 'Bring Your Insane Rioter to Work Day.'" The commission bill "now heads to the Senate, where it needs support of 10 Republicans," he said. "Come on, there's a better chance of 10 dentists supporting Mountain Dew Cake Smash."
"Get this, Mike Pence's brother Greg Pence voted no," Fallon laughed. "People said, 'Don't you care that they tried to kill your brother?' And he was like 'No's before bros!' That will make for a fun family barbecue this summer: 'Mother, ask Judas how he wants his meat patty.'"
The Late Show suggested this year's Pence Thanksgiving will be awkward, to the tune of Sister Sledge's "We Are Family."
Apparently, "Republicans don't want to find out why they were almost murdered because it could hurt them politically," believing "a Jan. 6 probe could undercut their midterm message," Stephen Colbert sighed at The Late Show. Rep. Tim Ryan's (D-Ohio) explained his bafflement at this strategy on the House floor. "Wow, what an impassioned speech," Colbert marveled. "That guy should run for president." (The joke is, he just did.)
"The new new thing in Washington now that's dividing Congress is the mask mandate in the House of Representatives — Democrats want it, so Republicans, naturally, don't," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "It look a while, but we finally found the one thing House Republicans aren't willing to cover up: their faces. And the main reason these masks are still needed, the only reason they need them on the floor of the House, is because less than half of House Republicans are vaccinated." He explained how certain unvaccinated people are total "freeloaders."
Jeff Bezos is auctioning off a seat on his Blue Origin space tourism flight, and the current high bid is $2.8 million, Kimmel said. "Who has $2.8 million and might need to get off the planet fast?" Maybe the rich guy in deepening legal peril. Donald Trump will "finally get to meet all the illegal aliens he's been screaming about," he joked. The former president's former lawyer suggested he'll feed his kids to the wolves to save his own skin, Kimmel said. "The saddest part is going to be when Trump forgets to pin a crime on Tiffany."